Words that are spinning in my head

It is starting to become very clear to me that I simply can't blog when I'm in the middle of some inner turmoil. Usually it's because I'm not sure how I should address those deep, unfinished thoughts here on my blog, but as I can't ignore them either and blog about the superficial things in my life, I am left with no other choice than to neglect my blog. Or at least that's how it feels, and of course, it's not entirely true. I could just blog about how I feel. Some of you might wonder why I am going to blog about all of this. Wouldn't it be much easier to blog about how I had a lovely Sunday making and eating sushi with my friends? For some other people, perhaps, for me, not at all. Yes, it's very personal and some people won't like it but hey, it's my blog and I blog for my own pleasure. Not writing makes the words just spin around in my head and not blogging makes me miss my lovely readers. So, I'm going to make myself a cup of tea and try to blog about everything that's going on with me. (you should probably get yourself a cup of your preferred beverage as well, this might get lengthy)

It's almost September, my blog is almost two years old, and I am once again in a position where I have to figure out my next steps. I did not get into university, which, while not surprising with only 25 getting into the program of my choice, was a big disappointment for me. People around me have all been very supportive but I am disappointed. Disappointed in myself, disappointed in the system and disappointed in the world. Still, I don't feel like I failed, even though I threw away the letter bearing the bad news, and not without tearing it into tiny pieces. I did what I could and it didn't work out. This time, at least.

After all the minor and major setbacks in my life I have learnt to move forward. I have come a long way from last year, as this year I have a place of my own and a job to help me support myself. No more living in other people's homes for me. My job also keeps my mind occupied so that when I'm working, I am not thinking about anything else. I also have my friends and family around me and I get to spend time with them regularly. D still isn't here in Finland with me, and it's tough but I'm doing my best to cope.

Coping, however, seems to be a lot harder this time around. One night I can't sleep and I end up mopping the floors at 2 am, the next I could sleep 24/7. Some days I barely eat and my kitchen fills up with dirty tea cups and empty pineapple juice cartons. Then I try to get a hold of myself and I clean up, bake bread, cook and try to eat. Or I wind up seeking solace from the two men I know I can trust: Ben and Jerry. I watch TV for hours, get tired of it and then I clean up the entire apartment, make a dozen lists of how I'm going to be more active and then I get tired of it too and nothing happens.

I don't want my life to be like this. I want my life to be like my Pinterest boards or like life seems to be for those people who have it all. Yet I know that things will never be perfect. Something will always go wrong and things could always be worse. I have a home, I have a job, I have a wonderful man worth waiting for, I have family and friends to keep me going when things seem to go wrong and I know I am lucky or blessed or both to have the difficulties with trying to decide where I'm going to go with my life. Many people don't have the choice and I do. It's just very difficult to see it.

The other night I was watching a documentary film about Grace Kelly and they were showing footage of her being asked about happiness. She replied that she has had many moments of happiness but she doesn't believe that happiness is a permanent state of mind.

If things worked out the way I want, I would win the lottery tonight. 10 million euros (minus the taxes) would make it possible and easy to help myself, my family, and even people I don't even know but need the help. It would all be so easy and while money doesn't make you happy, it enables you to do things that make you happy in a way that you normally can't. In real world, when you are not a millionaire, you have to make sure there is still money left when the month is over and you have to wait and work for things. Yet somehow I think that having all the money wouldn't make me permanently happy either.

Patience. I want to win the lottery and have things handed to me but learning to be patient would probably be more useful. Taking each day as it comes and working towards achieving the things you want. I thought I was getting better at it but it's a struggle not to lose hope. Even though I'd like to keep the three unfit topics (as taught by a certain study counsellor years ago) of sex, politics and religion, out of my blog, I have to say that sometimes I wish I had more faith in God, or the church, or any higher power that might be out there caring for us. As Marx put it, religion is the opium of the people, and while people often view it as a negative thing, there is a lot of comfort in religion and faith. Especially in times like this when the future seems so unsettlingly insecure. (and there I venture into politics... must get a hold of myself!)

I don't know what I want to become when I grow up. I'm going to try and hope that I will get accepted into an university of applied sciences here in Helsinki so that I can start studying journalism this coming January. I do know that I want to be happy. I would like to find out if there is a way to be permanently happy, and if there is no way, I will try to bring more happy moments into my life. Having D around every day would help but I am going to seize this opportunity to find seeds of happiness (as we say in Finland) in other places too. That way I won't have to rely on one person to make me happy. I also won't have to wait for anything to be happy. I can be happy today, if I try. I believe that happiness stems from your own attitude rather than from certain events and things. The challenge lies in being able to stop for a moment and breath in those small things like slow mornings, a nice cup of tea and a rapid flow of words streaming through my fingers. Life can be so hectic and often I forget to stop and remind myself of the little things that are going perfectly well.

To wrap up this rambling post (yay if you made it here!) I'm going to wish you all a very nice Friday. I hope that everything is going well with you all, and now I am going to head to town for a lunch date with Trang. Then I'll be off to work and tomorrow it's time for Erica's '80s themed birthday party. Lots of fun times ahead for me and I'm going to do my very best to let them sink in and work their magic.

Rhubarb

Hey everyone, I hope you weekend went well! I spent mine with my friends, going out on Friday, watching movies on Saturday and just hanging out on Sunday.

Last week I got some rhubarb from my grandmother and on Saturday I made a rhubarb pie. As I did not want to eat rhubarb pie every day, I had to come up with something else to do with the left-over rhubarb. Freezing it would have been an option had it not been for my tiny freezer. Since I also had plenty of limes left over from Friday, I decided to make a small batch of rhubarb jam. I did not quite master the recipe though, a little too much sugar I think, as the end result is somewhat caramel-like. It tastes good but I am still not entirely pleased. Better luck next time.

The rhubarb pie was made using a new recipe, which I did not quite like. I suppose I should have stuck to the recipes used in my family for decades, even if this pie was okay. Okay, but most certainly not spectacular. The recipe asked for too much flour in my opinion and as a result the pie was somewhat dry despite of the rhubarb.

I will definitely have to get some more rhubarb from my grandparents' place, summer is not summer without a proper rhubarb pie. If you have a chance to bake one, you can try my grandmother's recipe:

An old picture from last year

Rhubarb pie

Ingredients:

250 grams of butter

3 dl of sugar

3 eggs

1 dl of rye flour/whole grain wheat flour

5 dl of wheat flour

3 tea spoonfuls of baking powder

1 tea spoonful of ground cardamom

1 tea spoonful of ground ginger

rhubarb finely sliced

jelly sugar

coconut flakes/rolled oats

OR

5 dl of sour cream/Turkish yoghurt

1 dl of sugar

2 eggs

vanilla sugar

OR

butter

sugar

wheat flour

rolled oats

1. Peel and slice the rhubarb

2. Pre-heat the oven to 200 degrees Celsius

3. Mix the dry ingredients with each other

4. Cream the butter and sugar

5. Add the eggs one by one while continuously mixing

6. Add the dry ingredients into the mix

7. Pour the mix into an oven plate coated with baking paper

8. Add the rhubarb slices and sprinkle some jelly sugar on the top

9. Add the topping of your choice:

a) sprinkle coconut flakes or rolled oats on the top

b) mix all the ingredients and pour over the rhubarbs

c) turn the butter, sugar, wheat flour and rolled oats into a crumble and sprinkle over the rhubarbs

10. 30-40 minutes in the oven

11. Serve with vanilla sauce or ice cream

A touch of green

I am not the biggest fan of nature, as anyone who knows me a little better can tell you. I do enjoy the seaside and flowers are pretty but plants and bugs and all that just creeps me out.

Yet, I do like my little herb garden. Coriander/cilantro, rucola, basil and spinach. I had a slightly smaller herb garden earlier but unfortunately they got infested by fruit flies so I decided to get rid of them. Poor things.

The plants I mean. Fruit flies can stay out of my apartment if you ask me.

Today I decided to give gardening another go after my grandmother bought me these charming little pots while we were shopping for a rug for my apartment.

Can't wait to see the first signs of green. I will definitely post pictures of my little plant babies as they grow.

Do you have your own little garden too?

Interior decor ideas: living and sleeping area

Photo credits: 1. Vilman at Flickr, 2. potandkettlestudios at Etsy.com, 3. Finlayson, 

4. H&M, 5. H&M 6. H&M, 7. H&M, 8. H&M , 9. Ikea, 

10. Ikea, 11. Bellacor.com, 12. Ikea, 13. Ikea, 14. Ikea, 

15. notonthehighstreet.com, 16. Sotka

In my previous post I announced the exciting news about my new apartment. I also warned you that there will be a lot of interior decorating on my blog and here we have the first interior decorating themed post of all the posts to come.

As I'm not rich and my parents won't be decorating my apartment, I will have to get most of the furniture second-hand. Luckily my aunt and her boyfriend are moving out of their apartment, back to my grandparents for some time, until they can find another small apartment to suit their needs, so I will be getting some things from them, at least for the time being. I also already have some things that might come in hand. D is happy to purchase things too, as he will be benefitting from them as well when he moves to Finland.

The lamp on my inspiration board resembles a lot the ceiling lamp I already have. I had it in my old room at my parent's place and when I moved to my grandparents' two years ago, I brought it with me. So I will definitely have a round lace ceiling lamp in my apartment.

D and I can't agree on a bed. As my apartment is only a little over 3 meters (about 9 feet 10⁷⁄₆₄ inches) wide, I don't want a huge double bed to take over the entire living area. A sofa bed would be the most logical choice, since some seating would be useful for when I invite people over. However, sofa beds aren't the most comfortable beds available so we have been considering getting a real double bed. I'd be happy with 140x200cm (standard double size bed) but D thinks that it's too small. He wants a 160x200 cm (queen size) bed. Mind you, neither of us is really that wide so I don't get the point. According to D, a 20 cm (about 8 inches) difference won't be the end of the world but in a small apartment, 20 cm might result in not being able to place anything on the opposite side of the room because there would be no space to walk around. But if in the end we manage to agree on a bed, we will probably get a cute headboard wall decal like the one in the picture. Real iron frame beds are quite expensive so I love the idea, even if I say so myself.

I actually already own the bed sheets in the picture, D and I got them as a Christmas present from my grandparents.

Pillows are such an easy and inexpensive way to spice up the room. As long as I'll be living on my own for the most part, I'll definitely be creating a more feminine feel to my home with pink, sequins, sparkle, lace and what not. My home is supposed to represent my style and until D moves in, or we move to a different place together, I won't be hiding my love for all things pink and sparkly.

As you know, I love knitting, and as soon as I'm done with all my other projects, I might knit (or even learn to crochet!) a blanket like the one in the picture.

I'm so happy that my aunt loves mirrors as much as I do. I had been considering buying the big Ikea mirror either new or second-hand but as it turns out, my aunt has the same one and she is very happy to let me have it for the time being. Saves me money and saves them (and my grandparents) storage space. It's a win-win situation for everyone.

Usually I like sleeping in dark rooms so dark curtains would seem like an obvious choice but dark and heavy curtains would make my apartment look so much smaller. There's only one (big) window so light curtains are the smartest choice. The lace curtains in the picture are from Ikea but my mum might have simple white curtains hanging around somewhere. At least in the beginning I'm happy to accept any donations to save my little money. I'll upgrade when my budget allows me to.

My parents have an old dining table, much like the one in the picture, stored somewhere and I'll be getting that one. It's a nice table and it should match the wooden floors quite well.

Not sure how smart it is for me to get any real plants, as I tend to forget to water them, but I think I'll manage one or two plants. I'm also thinking of growing my own herbs, and the cute little greenhouse from Ikea would be perfect. Of course, it's not the first thing on my list, but it's cute.

I will be getting two chairs matching the dining table and that's about the amount I need on a daily basis, but for when I have guests, some fold-up chairs would be nice. These chairs from Ikea are quite price-y for my budget at the moment but perhaps I can find them second-hand. (on a side note, I hate how messily I added the picture to the board... but can't be bothered to fix it anymore)

Fairy lights are such a cliche at the moment, considering the amount of fairy light pictures I can find on weheartit and the like but I'll risk being cliche because I think they are so cute. I might feel different in a few years but who cares!

Among other things I'll be getting from my aunt, is a bean bag chair. The one I'll be getting (or holding for them) is not as dark as this one though, it's more of a light-brown colour. Not the most comfy choice of seating, but it saves me from having to buy a sofa chair or something like that, and it's better than sitting on the floor.

A lot of mix and match, just like the clothes I wear, but I'll take the challenge gladly. Getting everything right away would be a little boring, now I'm forced to use my imagination and creativity. The bed is the only problem at the moment, but if I can't come up with anything else, my aunt has a bed that should last me until D comes to Finland and we can go bed shopping. (I already feel sorry for the salespeople at Ikea or wherever we head for mattresses and such)

Can you tell I've been nesting ever since I heard the news?

Checkers and tulips

A funny thing about this outfit: only the shoes were bought by me. The rest is donations and borrowed. This sort of mix and match is very dear to me, I get to use my imagination.

I wore the outfit to a job interview on Tuesday and while my mother thinks the skirt is too short, I thought it was doable with the otherwise prim look. The shirt is actually my brother's, he was kind enough to borrow it to me when I couldn't find anything to wear.

The skirt I got from Trang. Orange isn't really my colour but combined with other colours it's not too bad. I think I pulled it off rather nicely.

This week my life has been all about reading and stuffing my face with candy. Okay, I did have the job interview on Tuesday, and I'm quite hopeful about it, but other than that, losing my public transportation card has been the most remarkable event this week. Luckily that's about to change because today I'll be going to town to get a new transportation card, and to buy the new expansion pack for the Sims 3... and I'll be meeting Maria for a coffee too! Tomorrow I get to spend the whole day with my littlest brother and it should be fun because he isn't sick this time. A trip to the library is in order perhaps... and the playground too, depending on the weather.

How has your week been?

Flowers in the hall

Here's my outfit from yesterday, showcasing two new pieces I got from Trang when she was clearing out her closet. The floral shorts and the burgundy shirt are definitely nice additions to my closet. (or should I say suitcase?)

Oh and before everyone freaks out and starts worrying about the state of my engagement with D let me clear this out for you: I'm wearing my ring as a necklace merely because I want to let the atopic skin rash on my ring finger heal properly before putting the ring back on. (you can perhaps spot it on the bottom picture) We are still very much together and we will marry one day, whenever that might be. So no Chuck and Blair kind of break for us.

And yes, I'm aware that the strap of my bra is hanging low, I only noticed after I started editing the pictures and by then it was too late to go and take new ones. It happens so bear with me. (thanks to my sister anyways, otherwise the pictures are great)

My weekend was nice and lazy. Maria came by on Saturday afternoon and we had fun playing Ticket to Ride with my siblings. On Sunday I made a presentation for my in-laws. It's about vacation options in Helsinki. I would very much like them to come to Finland for their summer vacation so I thought that I might look into it for them so they can think about it. (and I wanted to practice my Dutch)

Yesterday I started studying for the entrance exams and I also went to the dentist's. (my aunt) She gave my teeth a proper chalk wash and a fluorine treatment and also fixed a cavity. My first cavity ever. Thank God for local anaesthesia even if the needle hurt and the left side of my lower face was numb for the rest of the evening.

Today I have a job interview (as a matter of fact I'm currently on my way there) so please keep your fingers crossed for me. After the interview it's time for more studying and when my siblings get home I'll make them take pictures of my job interview outfit. (okay, I'll ask them)

How has your week started off?

P.S. I used Pretty Paris photoshop curve by Siiri Kumari.

Gentlemen Prefer Blondes

Did I manage to fool you with the picture of me and my lovely blond hair? Well, if I did, bad (or good if you prefer me as a brunette) news: it's just a wig I borrowed from Trang.

I did quite like wearing a wig though (even if it was just for a moment) and now I'm considering buying one for myself. Not necessarily a blond wig, but a brown one would be fun. Or then I'll go wild and buy a pink one, who knows.

It was so nice to see Trang and Maria yesterday. We were just hanging out at Trang's place and we did some skyping with our dear Erica who is finally coming back from Las Palmas... Can't wait for the end of March!

Trang was clearing out her closet again so I got some clothes from her. I'll post pictures of those later.

Today I'll be taking it easy: so far I have been eating candy and watching Wall-E with my siblings. (a family film and candy, a Saturday tradition I have been missing) Later today Maria will be coming over. So all in all a nice day.

I hope your weekend has started off well!

P.S. I used Siiri Kumari's free photoshop curve "London" on the photos, you can download it here!

Forgot something

I do like being back in Finland, especially because it means I can force my siblings to take my outfit pictures in the hallway of the apartment building. Very chic, I know. (thanks Emil for taking the pictures)

This outfit is from yesterday, so as you can see, I didn't cut my hair short. At least not yet. I need to actually go to the hairdresser's and ask for an appointment.

Anyways, back to the outfit. It's perhaps a little more complex than what I usually wear, with the print and colour combination. I have my baby sister and brother to blame for that as they wanted to choose the clothes for me. My brother chose the shirt and my sister chose the pants and I added the rest. It's so cute when they want to play dress up with me.

The title for this post refers to the fact that I forgot my earrings. I didn't realise it until in the end of the day. Of course, it could also refer to me forgetting that it is cold outside. In the Netherlands I was at least bound to wear more clothes because it was cold indoors as well.

Oh, and I have made some progress with my job seeking. First job interview on Friday, I'm excited!

We're reaching the middle of the week, isn't it great? Only two more nights to sleep and it's Friday and time for weekend!

Explanations

“Once I get up I feel better

and I pull myself together.

I remember those two letters,

it will be OK” - MIKA

I feel like I owe you some explanations. First of all, I haven’t updated my blog in almost two months, and secondly not even all the people who know me in person know what has been going on lately.

In December, just before Christmas holidays, my host-family told me that I wouldn’t have to come back to them after my trip to Finland. Back then people already suggested that I’d return to Finland and start working towards getting a diploma and a proper job but I didn’t want to. I wanted to stay in the Netherlands, close to D. I no longer felt at home in Finland and I was actually a little relieved when I got to return to the Netherlands.

In the Netherlands I started working for another host-family, this time in Wassenaar. Lovely people, three children and I had a great time working with them. Unfortunately last week, in the end of my trial period, the family told me that they did not really need an au-pair as the mother had decided that it wasn’t her time to return to the working life.

So there I was. No job, no place to call my home. Only difficult choices to make. Was I to stay in the Netherlands, perhaps to find another host-family or a job stocking shelves at a supermarket? Or maybe the time had come to return to Finland and do as my friends and family hoped.

Seeing that I am writing this on a plane to Stockholm, where I am going to catch a plane to Helsinki, I opted for the latter. As much as I love D I can’t put my own life and plans aside for another year and half. D wants me to be happy and he and I both know that doing a menial job and living in someone else’s home will not make me happy. I can’t keep on living only for the weekends even if the moments I spend with D dull my ennui. Sometimes being apart is the better option.

Not that we are taking a break from each other, as some people might think. As hard as long distance relationships are, breaking up is no option. We would only end up getting back together. No wonder I currently feel very inspired by such literary and fictional couples as Arwen and Aragorn and Chuck Bass and Blair Waldorf.

So, I’m returning to Finland. Not for the rest of my life, I’m quite sure of that, but at least until I have a diploma. I’m thinking about applying for the journalistic branch of media studies in the Haaga-Helia University of Applied Sciences in Helsinki, but I still have to figure out a plan B as well. Perhaps something to do with the fashion and clothing industry or then communication in the University of Helsinki.

Meanwhile, I am going to be staying at my parents’ place, looking for a job and an apartment. My brother is also looking for his own place so perhaps we’ll move out together. Being flatmates with my brother doesn’t seem like such a bad idea, at least I know him, I know he doesn’t smoke, he isn’t into drugs and he gives me my privacy. But we’ll see, finding an apartment in Helsinki is no piece of cake.

In the end, I have no regrets. Sure, it sucks that things didn’t work out the way I planned, but I’m starting to get used to life throwing me a curveball when I least expect it. I’m learning to accept that there are things I can’t change no matter how much I try. I’ve wiped off my tears and I’m facing the new challenges with a whole new confidence. I have grown up so much in the past six months and learnt new things about myself, other people and the world. I have made new friends, met interesting people and seen new places. My family and friends are supporting me every step of the way. Regretting my decisions would be a waste of time.

As for my blog, I will probably be updating it more often now. Getting this post out of my system has been the hardest part. I have been feeling like blogging about superficial things while I’m going through such a wide array of emotions and changes would be wrong. Finding the balance between personal and superficial is challenging at times but I think that in this post I have everything summed up pretty well. 

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Taitaa olla selityksen paikka. En ole päivittänyt blogiani melkein kahteen kuukauteen eivätkä edes kaikki ihmiset, jotka henkilökohtaisesti tuntevat minut tiedä miten paljon elämässäni on tapahtunut viime aikoina.

Joulukuussa, juuri ennen joululomaa, host-perheeni ilmoitti, että minun ei tarvitse palata heidän luokseen loman jälkeen. Tuolloin jo perheeni ja ystäväni sanoivat, että ehkä minun olisi aika palata Suomeen ja keskittyä opiskeluihin ja oikean työn hankkimiseen, mutta jääräpäisenä halusin vielä palata Alankomaihin. Halusin viettää rentoa ja huoletonta elämää ja olla D:n lähellä. Suomi ei tuntunut enää kodilta ja olin erittäin helpottunut istuessani lentokoneessa D:n vieressä suuntana Amsterdam.

Alankomaissa aloitin uuden host-perheen luona, Wassenaarissa. Aivan ihana perhe, kolme lasta, ja minulla oli erittäin kivaa heidän luonaan. Ikävä kyllä, viime viikolla kuukauden koeaikani lopussa perhe kertoi, että he olivat tulleet siihen lopputulokseen, että perheen äiti ei haluakaan vielä palata työelämään, joten he eivät tarvitsekaan au-pairia.

Siinä sitä sitten oltiin. Työttömänä ja kodittomana. Vaikeiden kysymysten äärellä. Pitäisikö vielä yrittää löytää uusi host-perhe tai ehkäpä töitä ruokakaupassa? Vai pitäisikö sittenkin palata Suomeen ja myöntää vanhempieni ja ystävieni olleen oikeassa?

Kirjoitan tätä postausta lentokoneessa matkalla Tukholmaan, josta vaihdan Helsinkiin menevään koneeseen, joten taitaa olla selvää, että päädyin kakkosvaihtoehtoon. Niin tärkeä ja rakas kuin D minulle onkin, en voi laittaa omaa elämääni ja tulevaisuudensuunnitelmiani sivuun puoleksitoista vuodeksi eli kunnes D valmistuu. D haluaa minun olevan onnellinen, ja me molemmat tiedämme, että en olisi onnellinen tehdessäni hanttihommia ja asuessa muiden ihmisten kodeissa. En, vaikka D:n kanssa vietetyt hetket lieventävätkin tylsyyttäni. En voi elää pelkästään viikonloppuisin. Joskus on parempi olla erossa.

Ei siis niin, että olisimme eroamassa D:n kanssa. Se olisi täysin tuhoontuomittu yritys, päätyisimme kuitenkin palaamaan takaisin yhteen. Ei ehkä kovin ihmeellistä, että tällä hetkellä esikuviini kuuluvat sellaiset fiktiiviset pariskunnat kuin Arwen ja Aragorn ja Chuck Bass ja Blair Waldorf.

Eli palaan nyt sitten Suomeen. Tuskin koko loppuelämäkseni, mutta ainakin nyt siihen asti, että saan haalittua itselleni tutkintotodistuksen ja kunnon työkokemusta. Ajattelin hakea Haaga-Heliaan suorittamaan medianomin tutkintoa, journalistiikka suuntauksena. Varasuunnitelma pitäisi vielä miettiä, mutta vestonomin tutkinto on vahva ehdokas. Tai sitten haen lukemaan viestintää yliopistossa.

Samalla aikaa asun vanhempieni luona ja etsin töitä ja asuntoa. Pikkuveljeni etsii myös omaa kämppää, joten ehkä yhdistämme voimamme ja muutamme yhteiseen kämppään. Ei yhtään hullumpi ajatus, olisi ainakin luotettava ja tuttu kämppis, johon voi luottaa. Ei tupakoi eikä pidä mitään pilviviljelmiä vaatekaapissa, ja kumpikin osaa jättää toisen rauhaan. Mutta ensin pitäisi onnistua saamaan asunto, mikä onkin helpommin sanottu kuin tehty.

Loppujen lopuksi en kadu yhtään mitään. Totta kai tässä hiukan hatuttaa kun asiat eivät suju niin kuin toivoin, mutta siihenkin rupeaa hiljalleen tottumaan, että löytää itsensä aivan eri suunnasta kuin alunperin oli tarkoitus. Pakko hyväksyä, että joihinkin asioihin sitä ei vaan voi vaikuttaa ja on parempi vain antaa niiden olla kuin hakata päätä seinään. Itkut on nyt itketty ja kohtaan tulevat haasteet aivan uudenlaisella itsevarmuudella. Olen kasvanut niin paljon viimeisen puolen vuoden aikana ja olen oppinut uusia asioita itsestäni, muista ja elämästä. Olen saanut uusia ystäviä, tavannut mielenkiintoisia ihmisiä ja nähnyt maailmaa. Läheiseni tukevat minua jokaisessa mutkassa. Turha sitä on katua. 

Blogini suhteen tarkoitukseni on päivitellä useammin ja säännöllisemmin. Kirjoittaminen on takkuillut lähinnä sen takia, että en oikein tiennyt mitä kirjoittaa. Pinnallisemmista asioista kirjoittaminen ei tuntunut oikealta nyt kun oma elämä on niin muutoksen pyörteissä. Tasapaino pinnallisen ja syvällisen sisällön välillä on toisinaan hankala löytää, mutta tämän postauksen myötä luulisi senkin helpottuvan.

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Ik denk het is nu tijd geworden om alles te uitleggen. In bijna twee maanden heb ik niets geschreven en ook mensen die mij kennen in het echt weten niet wat er allemaal is gebeurd.

In december, een paar dagen voor kerstvakantie, had mijn gast-gezin me verteld dat ik niet meer terug hoefde te komen na het kerstvakantie. Dan zeiden mijn familie en vrienden dat ik misschien maar terug moet naar Finland en met mijn studies moet beginnen maar dat wou ik helemaal niet. Ik wou in Nederland blijven, bij D. Ik voelde me niet thuis in Finland en ik was zo blij om terug naar Nederland te gaan.

Na kerstvakantie heb ik bij een andere familie gewerkt, deze keer in Wassenaar. Echt aardige mensen, drie leuke kinderen en bij hun vond ik het zo gezellig. Maar jammer genoeg, vorige week hebben ze me verteld dat de moeder toch geen werkende moeder wil zijn dus ze hadden geen au-pair meer nodig.

Dus daar was ik weer. Geen werk, geen plek voor mezelf. Alleen moeilijke keuzes. Wat zal ik doen? In Nederland blijven, nog een gast-gezin zoeken of misschien bij een supermarkt werken? Of misschien toch terug naar Finland gaan en mijn eigen dingen doen?

Nu zit ik te schrijven in het vliegtuig naar Helsinki toe dus ik heb uiteindelijk voor Finland gekozen. Ik hou zo veel van D, maar toch kan ik niet wachten om mijn eigen leven te beginnen en plannen. D wil dat ik blij ben en we weten allebei dat ik niet blij word als ik als een schoonmaakster moet werken en bij andere mensen moet wonen. Ik kan niet alleen voor de weekends leven, zelfs al maakt D me elke keer weer blij. Soms is het beter om apart van elkaar te zijn.
Maar we maken het niet uit of zo. Dat zou helemaal niet lukken, we zouden toch terug naar elkaar rennen. Niet echt verrassend dat ik fictieve stelletjes als Arwen en Aragorn en Chuck Bass en Blair Waldorf heel inspirerend vind.

Dus ik ga terug naar Finland. Niet voor de rest van mijn leven, dat weet ik zeker, maar toch totdat ik een diploma heb. Ik wil journalistiek studeren bij hogeschool Haaga-Helia in Helsinki maar ik moet ook nog iets anders vinden. Ik moet altijd een plan B hebben. Misschien iets met mode en kleren of communicatie bij het universiteit.

Tussentijds zal ik bij mijn ouders wonen, en zoeken voor een baan en een huurwoning. Mijn broertje wil ook uit het huis dus misschien gaan we samen zoeken. Samenwonen met mijn broertje zou eigenlijk niet zo’n slecht idee zijn. Ik ken hem, ik weet dat hij niet rookt en hij is altijd bezig met zijn eigen dingen dus we zouden allebei genoeg ruimte en stilte hebben. Maar eerst moeten we een huurwoning vinden en dat zal niet makkelijk zijn.

Uiteindelijk heb ik geen spijt. Tuurlijk is het rottig dat het niet lukt zoals we willen, maar ik begin er aan te wennen dat het leven mij het elke keer moeilijk maakt als ik het niet verwacht. Ik begin te accepteren dat er dingen zijn die ik niet kan veranderen, hoe hard ik het ook probeer. Ik heb mijn tranen afgeveegd en begin met nieuwe uitdagingen met een nieuw vertrouwen. Ik ben zo gegroeid de laatste 6 maanden en heb veel over mezelf geleerd, maar ook over anderen en de wereld. Ik heb nieuwe vrienden gemaakt, leuke mensen ontmoet en nieuwe plaatsen gezien. Mijn familie en vrienden ondersteunen me met elke stap. Spijt hebben van mijn keuze zou zonde zijn van mijn tijd.

Over mijn blog, ik zal waarschijnlijk meer gaan schrijven nu. Het moeilijkste was om dit verhaal uit me te krijgen. Ik had geen zin om te bloggen over oppervlakkige dingen terwijl mijn leven hectisch was. Een balans zoeken tussen persoonlijk en oppervlakkig is soms moeilijk, maar ik denk dat dit verhaal alles wel duidelijk maakt.

Dreaming of Christmas

11 days until Christmas! Time has passed so quickly...

My sweet 20

Checking out my birthday presents

As many of you may have noticed, it was my birthday on Saturday. Goodbye teenage years, hello twenties. (not that I feel that much different than last week when I was still 19)

Click 'Read more' for the whole story and more pictures!

Birthday preparations

Differences between Finnish and Dutch birthday parties. Click below to read the rest!

Life lately

The girl from the land of a thousand lakes

Satin and white socks

Shoes: Primark, Earrings: Snö of Sweden, the rest: second-hand

The last outfit pictures from over three weeks ago, soon you'll see more recent ones! These pictures were taken by my lovely sister-in-law-to-be Sanne, who also did my hair. I really love the braid, especially because I am hopeless with braiding.

I wore this outfit to a more casual wedding anniversary dinner. D's stepfather's parents had their 51st wedding anniversary over three weeks ago on Saturday, and they invited the closest family over for a homemade dinner. It was a really nice evening, learning Dutch has definitely been worth all the effort and trial, as I no longer have to sit there smiling and having no clue what the others are talking about. I can actually participate in the conversations, even if I don't always know how to convey my thoughts. But hey, it's still progress!

The cashmere sweater has been featured a lot in my latest outfits, but I can't help it, I'm in love with it! Cashmere is definitely one of my favourite materials so I was overjoyed when I got the sweater from D's stepmother. I love it when people recycle their clothes to me.

Oh, and the heels. I don't think I'll be featuring them a lot on my blog, as they aren't very comfortable. I love wearing high heels, but these are a real pain to wear. I guess D and my grandparents have finally managed to brainwash me into wearing sensible and comfortable shoes. My feet should be happy too.

Summer trip '12

Tuscany

Pisa

Lucca

More Tuscany

Bibbona, Tuscany

Bolgheri

San Gimignano

Monaco

Lake Lugano, Switzerland

Milan

My apologies for making this post a massive one, I simply wanted to be done and over with it and putting everything in one huge post seemed like the easiest thing to do. Lazy as I am, I'm going to write this post in English only and I won't be writing a lot either since the post is already heavy on pictures.

In case someone doesn't know/remember, I went to Italy with D and D's family. We stayed the first 8 nights on a big camping near Bibbona, Tuscany and I must say, camping wasn't as bad as I thought. Sure the tent was quite warm and there wasn't exactly a lot of privacy but hey, I survived to tell you the story! 

Some days we stayed at the camping and the pool the whole day, the others we made trips to the near-by cities and villages like Pisa, Lucca, Bolgheri and so on. I also enjoyed just driving around (or having D drive me around) and enjoying the gorgeous scenery. Tuscany is definitely beautiful, even if rather hot, in August.

After 8 nights we drove close to the French border and stayed 3 nights at a camping there. We also visited Monaco while there, and from the French border we headed to Switzerland, to Lake Lugano, our last camping area and spent the rest of the vacation (3 nights or so) there. Lake Lugano was breathtakingly beautiful, we had the most gorgeous view of the lake while sitting in front of the caravan. 

We also visited Milan, where we got to do some shopping and then it was time to head back to NL. The drive home went much faster than the drive to Italy, which was almost 24 hours, but then, we were also closer to home already. 

All in all I'm happy I decided to join D and his family on this vacation, my world is a little bigger again.